What Does it Mean to Be An Integrated Man? Finding Your Intentions, Authenticity and Balance

“Wholeness is not achieved by cutting off a portion of one’s being, but by integration of the contraries.” - Carl G. Jung

By: Adam Nisenson, LMFT, CSAT

What’s your understanding of what it means to be a man? Do we as men, really know how we want to show up in this world? Our fathers and their fathers’ fathers seemed to have a firmer grasp of what manhood was supposed to mean to them. Men in those days were given clear-cut messages and presented with role models as children and that conditioning extended into adulthood.

Yet, we shouldn’t take that confusion to mean we have lost our way. It’s just the opposite, in my opinion. Today, we are growing in our roles as humans, with the emphasis on “human” rather than “man.” We’re shifting our attitudes and integrating the best qualities of manhood internally and into our skin, into something we feel more comfortable living with. There is indeed a shift in the meaning of “manhood” and we can celebrate it!

Becoming Integrated

Like life in general, there’s no blueprint we can just follow on how to be a man. We’re raised to behave and think a certain way, do what our schoolteachers and schoolbooks teach us to do to “get ahead in the world” and buy products that pop up on our social media, telling us we this to feel fulfilled. But this doesn’t make us a man. How can a man learn to be an individual – let alone be a man – with all this social programming? We make the effort to change the trajectory, that’s how. Old pathways can be rerouted.

Slowly but surely, we can learn to cultivate our masculinity in honest and healthy ways. We don’t have to search for role models, but rather, we can try out new ways of expressing ourselves based on what feels right for each of us as individuals. In this way, we are becoming an “integrated man.”

But how does a man show his authenticity, truthfulness, express his feelings, and establish boundaries at the same time? Sometimes it’s a balancing act, a deliberate attempt to make key changes and set intentions and not falling for what others think. We also create balance with the time and attention we devote to the outside world: significant others, family, friends, colleagues, employers. We can be our true selves and not worry about others’ judgments. We can get over being called an egotist, or arrogant, or rude if we feel we’re being honest, taking care of our needs, being fair, and authentic.

The Mindset of an Integrated Man

Consider some of the qualities I’ve gathered here that can form a framework from which you can work on your integrated self.

Looking inside. An integrated man has turned inwards and has done the work of examining himself. Often without conscious intentions, you accept yourself for how you behave. You can face and overcome your struggles with impulsive thoughts and behavior, emotional and physical pain, addiction, confusion, indifference, boredom, hopelessness, and so on. You have no pretense that you’re not always “gentlemanly” or that you’re problem-free. You don’t ignore that you can be your own worst enemy, the one who’s blocking yourself from achievement.

Being authentic. Your thoughts, values, and beliefs are reflected outwardly, in how you live, your actions, and communications. The inside YOU agrees with the outside (projected) YOU. You have a keen sense of purpose and direction and you are consistent with being in alignment with it.

Having integrity. You live by a set of moral and ethical codes of conduct and established principles and you don’t care if anybody takes notice. You are conscious if you act differently with different people and try to even out those differences. You recognize and address injustices. You don’t necessarily take the path of least resistance. You don’t con yourself over the reasons why you do something, you believe in yourself.

Liking yourself. You accept your flaws, defeats, doubts, and occasional sadness, and don’t brand yourself a failure because of them. You are comfortable with who you are and how you present yourself. You feel comfortable being your own man, physically, sexually, and intellectually. You decide what that means for you.

Being honest. You express your feelings honestly and directly. You share your opinions and perspectives openly, not thinking with your “man parts” but rather, with your heart.

Not afraid of criticism or conflict. You are not afraid to express views and preferences that others might not agree with. You don’t capitulate to avoid conflict, you don’t shy away or fear it. You use it as a learning tool, to sharpen your strength and courage. You don’t give up your position if you feel strongly about it. You’re not living for them, you’re living for YOU. You satisfy your own needs first. You respect yourself and stand up for that position, no matter what someone else thinks.

Expressing leadership qualities. You take charge, take responsibility, and lead others. You are more extroverted than introverted. You direct and motivate others in a way that is not dictatorial or aggressive. Others admire these qualities and want to be around you.

Establishing boundaries. You’re not afraid to set and stick to your boundaries. You are not hindered by a “good-guy mentality” but feel motivated to BE what you consider a “a great guy” even when you might be called “intolerant” or “uncompromising.”